To you

I know God has a plan and I firmly believe that you were supposed to be my first relationship and I know that I put you through so much for you to gain nothing.  But you will alway have a part of me.....and whenever i think of you i'll smile....I know you will do great things and I know that God has someone for you that will suffice every need and want.  And I'm sorry I couldn't be the one.  But I do love you.  Don't ever say I don't.  Don't ever doubt yourself.  And don't ever think that you made me unhappy.  I love you and I always will.  And i will talk to you when you're ready.  I just don't want to lose you completely.  You mean far too much to me and you already know so much about me.  And i'm sorry I couldn't explain any of this and i'm sorry i don't have any answers.  But I thank you for everything you've done for me.  You gave me love, self confidence, made me laugh, smile, made me feel beautiful, you blessed me, and made me comfortable with myself and you showed me love.  And I can only say i'm sorry over and over again for not being able to show you that love back.  That pure selfless love that you gave me. 

Me

A letter to you

No matter how i look at it.....you were one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  You gave me self confidence, you taught me how to trust and how to love, you were the one who could make me feel beautiful for the first time, and you gave me happiness that i have never felt before.  I have never experienced anything like this before and i'm glad that we have had the experience together that we have had.  I guess i never expected that things could and would change the ways that they did.  I never expected to change the way i did and i really truly thought that i wouldn't change in college.  I can honestly say that you will always have a part of me and that you know things about me that no one else does.  I have never felt more safe then when i am in your arms.  And I have never felt more beautiful then when i am in your eyes.  We both have a lot that we need to work through on our own.  We both need to do some more soul searching and self discovery and prayer.  But I need you to promise me that no matter what happens that in the end you will always be my best friend.  We have grown so close that I don't think i could lose that.  It would be like losing a part of me.  I know that the next month is going to be very painful, but i also think that both of us need time to get everything straightened out for ourselves.  I just want you to know that you have been such a blessing to me and have helped me through so much.  I know that God put you in my life for a reason.  I know that you were supposed to be my boyfriend because you have helped me grow in ways i can't express in words.  I wish i could tell you how you have blessed me.  I will always love you.  I know that everything we have experienced has been a first for the both of us.  And I am so glad that God chose you for me to be my first experiene in love.  I love you...

Picture of Us

So you would think that after 18 years that i would have myself figured out.  Well, I don't.  I question everything about myself everyday.  Did i do this right...is this the right choice...should i do this, go there, be this?  Is there where I should be?  The one i should be with?  As I look at this picture of us.....I see the content on my face.....the beauty that i felt....the smile....I see the love in your eyes and the sincerety of your heart.  I know i'm happy.  And I know that i haven't done anything wrong....but I can't help but doubt every decision.  Why can't I just be happy with what I have 24/7.  Why does the grass always look greener on the other side.  Why do i feel the need to fit in when I know that's not what I should do or where I should be.  Why can't I love you with every ounce of me like I want to.  I want to love you to the very depths of my heart.  I want to hold you till I'm your wife....but i won't let myself....why not?  I'm so confused about myself.  I don't make any sense to myself.  I have this beautiful person who has loved me for who knows how long and has waited on me for months and has taken care of me and taught me how to trust, love, feel beautiful, have confidence, self-esteem, and taught me how to be happy and not care about the world around me......and yet i keep myself from him.  I don't let him have all of me.  I don't let myself have all of him.  Why do I do this.  So many insecurities from when i was little.  Relationships full of hate.  Love that wasn't love at all.  So to put it plainly....I'm scared.  Still.  I'm still scared.  I thank God for you.  I pray for us.  Everyday.  I pray for us.  But I feel like everything is crashing down on me.  Distance...not physical distance, but emotional.  I withdraw from you and I don't want to but i find myself not being able to help it.  I want to tell you everything about myself but i can't.  I want you to know every messed up thing about me....every fear....every joy....every tear.......but i can't.  Why was I brought up so different from everyone else it seems.  Everyone seems to be able to just love uncontrollably and i find myself not being able to.  I want to love you.....and I do love you.  But the whole "in love" thing....I'm just not ready. Who's to say I ever will be.   But I thank you for staying by my side, waiting on me, loving me, being patient with me, holding my hand, and taking care of my heart. I love this picture of us....and I love you.

The saddest kiss

So today started like every other day....I went and got a haircut and then i went to josh's where we then left for Wasabi's for Jeff's birthday.....and Tori came too.  I was so excited to see her...I didn't realize how much i missed her.  And then I went home, then to wal-mart with my mom and then to jess's house.  Later me, jess, josh, and zach went to Craven Wings for dinner.  Then we went back to jess's house and watched The Island....it was a night just like every other....this is how my whole summer has been...except after it was over i had to say good-bye.  Good-bye to the only who has ever made me feel completely beautiful and perfectly safe.  Goodbye to a love that taught me how to trust, how to love, and how to recieve love back.  A love so real and so unreal at the same time because i can't believe it's actually happening.  A love so pure and God-filled.  A love that I cried over tonight.  The first time my love saw me cry....and the first time i was ever so sad to kiss this love.  Kiss this love good-bye....if even for a little while.  Good-bye to a friend with whom i have so many memories...good and bad...but mostly good....long talks till 4 am....sunny delight...steak and potatoes..sleepovers even.  A friend who i am so glad that we finally found our niche....family. He's part of my family now....family that i'll rarely see. Family that knows so much about me....that knows secrets....and family that i'll always love no matter what...no matter where i am or he is...Love never fails. And I'm not counting the good-byes i've already said.  Good-bye to a friend who i couldn't love more, and who i couldn't think is more beautiful inside and out.  A friend that moved away before i was ready....who is already starting to move on.  I'm saying good-bye to friends who i've just now gotten close to.  A church who raised me.  A bubble that i've lived in contently for the last 5 years.  And good-bye to every routine i've ever known.  And i'm just not ready.  I'm full of every emotion...excited, anxious, sad, happy, mad, frustrated, nervous, and the list continues.  It came too fast....If only i could rewind....just for a little bit....there's so many things i would change.....and so many things i would just perfect.  I'm going to miss you.  I will always love you.   And what i wouldn't give for that saddest kiss again.

PEACE

LOCKED OUT!

So...I'm locked out of my house at the moment.  I'm alone and i'm locked out. I'm alone cause my dad, sister and nick are at the lake and my mom took my cousin home.  And you're asking "well, how are you on the computer and locked out at the same time, that's craziness"....well, i'm in the office cause it was unlocked but the door to my house which is inside the office is locked and we have no keys....and every window and door is locked.  So i'm sitting here in the awful heat waiting on josh to come get me cause he just got back from Atlanta and seeing as how i'm about to pass out from the heat, he's coming to get me.   Anyways, I got church tonight and it's ice cream night!  Where everyone brings homemade icecream and the whole church has a huge ice cream party...Mmmmmmmm!!!  Yeah, so that's all I have to say about that.  Oh, and God is incredible cause on the way home we stopped at foodcity and taco bell so this whole time i've been sitting here i've had drink and food and entertainment cause i've been on the internet.....so God totally provided for us when we were completely stupid and forgot our keys.  YAYA!

Josh is here...PEACE